+VulneRable+

::Be Still::

2006-07-16T08:05:00.000-07:00

After a rush day, all seems to be well. Turning into a cold-hearted bitch.

+as...+

2006-07-09T11:58:00.000-07:00

Above me under seething skies..
I trusted you and all your lies.
Now upon a mirrored face,
I saw how badly I was disgraced.
Willing am I to give you a chance,
as of everyday I pull this stance.
Beyond every hope I push out of me,
A blurry road is what I see.
Aformentioned my blistering wounds may heal,
To me my plight is no big deal,
Allow the negative things to fester,
Eventually time will make things better.
I have no hope for you have none to give,
Better I feel Im dead than if I live,
Trouble follows me though I commited no crime,
Though consequences don't seem sublime.
Take heed, my little friend lest confused,
Though my irridescent problems amused,
I will be there for you forever no doubt,
Though in your heart you are not proud.
Confused I will be as I write this solemn song,
Wondering to where I will finally belong,
Alone as I am I will ne'er explain,
The efforts for you how I force tho' in vain.
Friends are there when you need them be,
But a friend she is, not to me,
Words have been said exchanged and felt,
And you chose to inflame my swollen welt.
Humiliated me you did without hesitation,
I do not ask for you and their separation.
Questions I need answers to,
Are being brushed off by of all people,
YOU.

+To Grow Up+

2006-07-05T11:08:00.000-07:00

If you didn't do it, why were you so defensive in the first place, you stupid inconsiderate fucked up bitch. And +You+(yes you, in my heart) said that you didn't want to fuck up the wrong person. I didn't think you'd consider me as a person in the first place, because you've been fucking me up real good. I seem to be the man holding the dick and the balls in this relationship and doing everything. Good. At least I did something for you. God knows I'm not even going to bother becoming calculative. But don't drain the energy out of me and exhaust me.
I'm fighting the urge to be firm with you. You realise all that advice you gave me about being confident etc, I lacked all that because of you. You took me for a ride and gave me no time to throw up. As much as my heart adores you, you have already reached the stage whereby a small trivial matter could never escape your eyes and you'd just be pissed. It ruins my day, but then again, like you give a shit.

I'm so sick of love, sick of relationships, sick of fucked up people like you and your ex. I don't think I'm the one who needs to apologise anyway because in the first place had you also played your fucking part in handling this shit, I wouldn't feel like such a twit in the first place. Don't give me the shit about me choosing to be like that. I made it absolutely clear I would entrust everything in you, and this is how you've chosen to fuck it up for me. Why the fuck do I have to hold everything together while you gladly rip them apart. Every single day I'm giving you a chance, and you don't realise how many you've blown. But then again, like you give a shit. Fuck it. Grow up and be a man, or get the fuck out of my life. And I mean it. Hopefully you'll find someone as radical and as fucked up as you. I hate to love you, and sometimes I fucking just hate you. But no matter what, I still end up thinking of you before I sleep, knowing life's meaningless without you. But you're still a twit.

2006-07-03T11:41:00.000-07:00

You said you didn't want to fuck up the wrong person...
But you didn't realize in the first place you were fucking me over...
I want someone who wants to hold me, who wants to love me...
I want someone who wants me to feel special and genuinely wants me to be happy...
I want someone to be proud of me in public, to openly hold my hand..not cower away...

And I only wish it was you.

2006-06-30T12:27:00.000-07:00

Referee kelong. Can you believe it. Germany didn't deserve to win. Retards. I watched it and actually went back and puked out all my dinner. (tsst..i've actually got a shitty fever...) I had tons to write before but after someone criticised my blog...I have no more mood to write anything, compose anything, much less...bother. Not home yet, its 3:27am. I knew it. Once with friends, girl is forgotten. As so the wise man says, I am but an option, and therefore he is not my priority. I never knew I would live the day to feel this way with him.

::Let's no longer pursue this love. If there was any to start with. Half of me is already being killed by you::

All because of what, two fucking act cute retards. I can't believe he's nice to you. I'm the chee bai in this situation now. The anger I have inside is fucking surmounting and I only channel it out by crying or hurting myself. Why. Why am I always the fucker. Why do I always have to take in all the shit. WHY WHY WHY. Quan...WHY...WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME....You cant even talk to me, just sms me or type. What am I, some kind of fucking loser girlfriend you have that doesn't deserve a conversation with you.

::Aye?::

2006-06-22T15:52:00.000-07:00

*Did you notice the card was missing on the spray until you opened your drawer?* I tore it up because you think these things will always keep coming. I'll always keep staying. Maybe you're right. Congratulations. You have a punching bag.

2006-06-15T05:18:00.000-07:00

3 more days. Whatever it is, just blame me. I will be forgotten.

2006-06-14T06:24:00.000-07:00

::I had an interesting thought of the day but I forgot what it was:: Dammit. Ah...4 more days. Hello...wings.

2006-06-12T10:03:00.000-07:00

OMMMMMMmmmmMMMMMMMmmmmMMMMmmmm.....

++The Final Week++

2006-06-12T09:59:00.000-07:00

Had a good chat with Hazel today. Maybe not so good, but a hard one. The only thing I remember was "if people want to do or say things to you, just laugh it off and smack them in the bloody face with your confidence". I didn't tell her much. She read it in my eyes. Lets forget the whole episode. Once I am gone, it will be over. 6 more days to go.

2006-06-08T07:28:00.000-07:00

SO...??? Never be an antique. Be a present demand. Never wish the past circumstances still prevail. Never believe in love. Always believe in yourself.

2006-06-08T07:20:00.000-07:00

And so she says they made out in his rented car shortly after he received his license. And so she says they made out in his rented car shortly after he received his license. And so she says they made out in his rented car shortly after he receives his license. And so she says they made out in his rented car shortly after he received his license. And so she says they made out in his rented car shortly after he receives his license. And so she says they made out in his rented car shortly after he received his license. And so she says they made out in his rented car shortly after he received his license. And so she says they made out in his rented car shortly after he received his license. And so she says they made out in his rented car shortly after he received his license. And so she says they made out in his rented car shortly after he received his license. And so she says they made out in his rented car shortly after he received his license. And so she says they made out in his rented car shortly after he received his license. And so she says they made out in his rented car shortly after he received his license. And so she says they made out in his rented car shortly after he received his license. And so she says they made out in his rented car shortly after he received his license. And so she says they made out in his rented car shortly after he received his license. And so she says he brought her flowers when she was sick and what did he give me so far. And so she says he brought her flowers when she was sick and what did he give me so far. She still keeps the poem. She still keeps the poem. She still keeps the poem. She still keeps the poem. Burnt at the edges. Burnt at the edges. Burnt on the edges. And so she says they made out in his rented car shortly after he received his license.

1)Honesty is a fleeting dream only hopeless romantics would believe in.
2)A flickering hope of true love is only in movies and dramas.

**The day I leave you is the day I stop believing in love completely**

2006-06-06T06:55:00.000-07:00

Why can't I stop pissing in my pants....

2006-06-04T17:19:00.000-07:00

I want to play chess with God.

2006-06-04T16:33:00.000-07:00

Date
Time
From
To
Message
6/5/2006
12:41:28 AM
World Rally eXperiment
i cant do this
yes you can!

....?

+Haiya+

2006-06-02T06:24:00.000-07:00

Well, I have diahorrea. How miserable can it be...I have only one day off a week, and on my training month, I have diahorrea, causing me to run off to the toilet at least 5 times. Wondering whether to take another off day tomorrow since now there's a little nausea involved. Saw Dr Lim today and he was asking me whether I had all the symptoms of bird flu...oh well, at least he thinks I don't know la. I'm very happy with my job...although at first I thought it was a really bimbotic thing...but well...it pays and its one of the best environments I've ever been in. (No men. Hah! Finally.) Oh well...Shu said it all in my testimonial so I guess its no mystery as to what I'm doing now.
Anyhow, its been ages since I've updated this, been really busy these days and poo's clearing his leave etc so everyone's available and when everyone's available I'm working. -_- The irony of it all....Guess I can kiss LWS school and dance classes goodbye...since I'm taken up on weekends AND weekdays. However, as long as I can have some time with poo, see him off to camp, and time with my family, that's pretty much about it. Suddenly lost the mood to write. See ya.

++

2006-05-27T11:14:00.000-07:00

Its so hard to be around people. I knew why I never could socialise. I mean, firstly, you have to be something like them in order to click. And you usually end up wearing a mask until you get home or when you're finally alone. The popular will always laugh at the outcasts, the rich will always look down on the poor, life sucks. That's a fact.
However, looking back, at the end of the day, all you really want to do is tear off the mask once and for all, and feel comfortable just walking in your own boots.(or shoes, or stilettos, or just not wear anything at all). Its really hard to figure a person out when they're with you alone, they're somebody. When they're among other people, they suddenly become this totally different person and you end up getting a bit of a shock and you wonder how to respond to this new person. Why do people do these things? Because they're afraid. If they're so afraid why do people even look up to them? After all, its so easy to tell when they're 100% real or just 100% fake. Thats the hard part. They just shift from being themselves to being someone they're not. Why? What's so hard about being yourself? We're all unique, after all. What's so strange if you like to eat snakes, or like to balance badminton racquets on your palm, or like sci-fi movies till you would skip a date to catch them on HBO? What's wrong with that? Does it make you a nerd? A geek? Outcasted? Why should you feel outcasted by the people who in the first place feel like outcasts themselves?
They say "welcome to the real world". The fact is, this is the biggest most commonly used most ironic juxtaposition I've ever heard of. There the fakies are telling you that constitutes the real world, then the world just really isn't real after all. And they're busy masquerading in their facades, boot licking and whoring skills. Ugh. But my dad always said that I was beautiful, and I should learn to accept myself and dance to my own beat. I won't be a loser, like you. EVER.

+First words That come to mind+

2006-05-26T10:19:00.000-07:00

+Jaded
+Desolate
+Genuine
+Liar
+Hypocrite
+Ugly
+Belief
+Hard
+Self-Control
+Mangy
+Dingy
+Sidewalks
+Nauseous
+Guilt
+Reverse
+Incongruous
+Incorrigible
+Irreversible
+Love
+Sceptum
+Piercing
+Tattoo
+Your
+Name
+Scar
+Pain
+Heart
+Fire
+Pain
+Pain
+Pain
+Churning
+Grave
+Death
+Not solution
+Criticism
+Kill
+Stab
+Morbid
+Love
+Life
+Beauty
+Grace
+Flowers
+Hope
+Faith

+

2006-05-25T13:12:00.000-07:00

I can never win you. You're the kind of person who could leave me weeping all night while you sleeps, you could simply say something hurtful to me and expect me to just let it all go, you could also ignore me for more than a month if I challenged you to it. Your trump card is to keep absolutely silent. Then say you didn't say anything was wrong.
Listen, I'm not in a relationship to feel like this. I thought it was just being there for each other, making each other happy. I must be from the wrong side of the hill.

+Funnies+

2006-05-23T21:26:00.000-07:00

I've been such a moof..well..taken the time to put these videos on my blog. I can't help it. They're damn funny.
NONG BOY

LIP GLOSS BOY

HIGH PITCH TACTICS

+Maybe+

2006-05-23T09:19:00.000-07:00

Well, another shit day today. Another mass, but I must say...Rico you are really brave to sing for your mom like that without breaking down. I was on the verge of tears and pretended to whistle and look kuai lan so I wouldn't instigate mom to cry either. I'm real proud of you. *pats*

Well, it was a shit day because it was the sort of same drudgy thing I dread when mom picks me up. No doubt Aunt Mona and Uncle Lito were there when dad died, every single day (I really gotta hit myself for not noticing, but then...well...how could I.) I miss you Dad. You have no idea how badly I'm fucking my life up right now and being silly. You were my inspiration. Its just a wee bit too difficult to focus and live life normally and pretend you're still here talking to me because you know my brain seems to work on its own. When I imagine you saying encouraging things to me, I begin to add my own swear words in (with your voice, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to let it come in) when I gripe.

Clearly, in order to be happy, just heck it. You gotta fuck it all, and let it go. Sometimes it means denying things, running away, although that's just not what I believe in, it seems that dealing with problems are more troublesome than just taking a break from it and giving it the finger and moving on. Its got to stop, all this whining. How, I don't know. Whine here, shut up in person. That's about it. Haha.

Its pretty obvious to me that humans are fucking ridiculous. Fucking funny, fucking idiotic, fucking too smart for their own good at times, and too simply too fucking retarded. Just look around. Good night.

2006-05-22T02:41:00.000-07:00

Some Awesome Scripts and Codes For Your Blog

Dynasty Street Game At Free Blog Games

Poopie this is for you :)

2006-05-22T02:21:00.000-07:00

Some Awesome Scripts and Codes For Your Blog

Warthog Jumping Game At Free Blog Games

Try This Game If You're Bored It'll Mess You Up

+(no comment)+

2006-05-21T15:55:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to Aunt Mona's wake. *sigh* Mom broke down when we went to see her. The coffin truly confines a human and manifests this confinement in the worst of ways. Its God, saying "See? At the end of the day, we are human." She was suffering a whole lot, I didn't ask about how she died. But I know at least now she's finally okay. Dad has a new friend in Heaven now.

While I was packing poo's bag this morning, I felt pushed around alot when I do things for him. At first. I always feel he needs me much more than I need him, to get things done (whether stupidly and clumsily or just plain smoothly), and I sort of broke down two nights ago and told him I didn't want to be his servant anymore. Then I began to question whether I am his girlfriend or a chef, uniform-folder, bag packer, punching bag...

Then I think about why I'm still here with him doing all these things and sacrificing sleep and time when I could be doing more constructive things. I said he makes everything I do worthless.

But I think really hard, now that I'm alone, that I'm actually more than happy to do all these things for him at the drop of a hat, to be there to share his joys and sorrows (if he bloody just shares it with me), and to be somebody better. Sometimes, retards like me require a certain amount of patience and encouragement, because I don't work with too much discouragement and criticism. Not too much. In the course of life, you learn that in your ego-centrism, you tend to forget that you receive ample love, care and concern and whatever your needs are. You simply label it as "not enough" when there actually is. Either right now I'm being too nice or its a fact, but either way, adjusting and adaptation is crucial at this point, to keep everyone away from sticking a knife into my heart and rattling it around.
Sometimes its much better not to question why you're with a person because at the end of the day, you'll end up with millions of reasons, and probably confused. When you're with someone for a while, both of you tend to begin criticising each other because you've gained an extra step into someone's life, making them more liable to criticism and giving you a more confident boost that you're right about that person simply because you're his or her partner. Its all fun to dish out mean things to them and they sit down and take it, but beware though. Eventually, that person might end up looking so ugly in your eyes and you begin to rely on your criticism to look at him/her in a particular way, and most of the time, they aren't as lousy as you make them out to be. BE THANKFUL. I guess.

I've also sort of grown accustomed to someone being tactless and just a fucking killjoy at times, I just have to forget about it. Maybe he won't ever understand that little flippant remarks like that really get to me, especially when its from someone who HAS to say something about everything and can't really shut up and in her disability to do so, says something absolutely mean. What really fucks me up is that she seriously has no idea she's hurting a person she so-called regards as a friend. Oh well, two words for her tho. GROW UP. You grumbled to me on his birthday, you grumbled whenever you're doing something nice for someone, then why not just don't do it? If its not sincere, then for fuck? Amidst the cutesy ringtones and your fucking die hard habit of poking and flirting with everyone's boyfriends, you're just one stupid kid who thinks too highly of herself. You step on me, for fuck? You grumble to me about other people, for fuck? I don't want to listen. I've made it clear to you a zillion times I really don't give a rat's ass about whether this person complains that you act cute in school, or this person wears shorts so tight it squeezes the shit out of her ass, whatever. Either you're just jealous or its a fact you simply can't deny. Empty vessel. Bah.

I always felt he defended her simply by just being nasty to me. Natural feelings I have though it may be, although in his eyes its plain ludicrous. Again, it all comes down to how much a person is willing to commit and that a relationship is not always a smooth ride. Your other half will have feelings, just like you. He/she may suffer, just like you, although in different ways. Its all about acceptance and compromise. If that can't be achieved, one person has to either swallow it all or get out. For him, he has the army to serve, friends to keep, and me. For me, I have him, my job search, my few close friends, my life to keep. Many promises made to me were broken, but hey, in retrospect, I've broken tons of promises myself. Although not to the same person, to others, yeah. Everyone has their shitty moments where their mouth opens before their brain works. Luckily, mine isn't a compulsive thing like hers. Bah. Enough griping anyway. Its 7:17am, he just called saying I left my wallet in his car. Woopee, great...ah well, he'll be out soon anyway. Wednesday only man. Haha. Oh well, time to sleep now. And that nicotine shit really works man, you just chew on it. (haha, chew on it...I wonder where that comic went...)

Another Reality Byte

2006-05-19T23:47:00.000-07:00

I went to visit Aunt Mona yesterday with mom. She suddenly called so I rushed down to Mt Alvernia Hosp. Well, more likely, the err, St Francis of Assisi Hospice. It was a terribly cold place, despite the warm drawings of flowers and hardly any whiff of that disgustingly discouraging hospital medical sort of smell. All I can say, in summary, is that I couldn't recognise her anymore. I feel real sorry for Uncle Lito and Richo though...to have to watch her suffer. *shakes head* Anyhow, I prayed for her, I still will, as silently and as sincerely as I can. Whatever happens, God better have a damn good reason for it. I'm giving Him the benefit of the doubt now.

I think I'm coming down with a cold. My eyes are swollen and itchy, my nose is running, my double eyelids have become triple eyelids, my skin is clammy, and I just feel pretty damn sick, overall. Was meant to go visit little Suki last night but well, Cedric apparently wasn't free so Lin Hui couldn't go...oh well, next time we'll go babe :)
I think I've sort of figured out the three most important things I can't live without:
1)Love
2)Heaps of ventilation and fresh air
3)Lots of animals

Humans, I can live without. Apart from my loved ones, mostly humans are just plain annoying and simply just extra dots added to the planet. Who the hell put them on the top of the food chain? Who the hell said we were the dominant species, so dominant till we could just get rid of habitats to build our fucking loser condominiums, place wildlife into cages, clone animals and humans (for whatever reason I still can't figure out a good one), torture the shit out of poor young baby animals just to eat ONE organ of their body or ONE part, abuse animals and etc etc etc etc? We're so going down. You think just because you're a fucking charismatic you're any better than the rest of us? Eat shit and die, asswipe. You have absolutely NO idea that little things you can STOP DOING goes a heck of a long way. You're just a fucking retard. A wussy at life, crying and whining to God when you're in trouble, and "trusting in God" actually means "fuck it, let Him decide. I'm going to sit here and let life pass me by." Spasticated piles of shit. God isn't going to fucking lift your legs up one by one so you could take a few steps to th grocery store. You have to do most of it yourself. Derive strength from your belief, whatever the hell it may be, but fucking use your own brains to solve your own problems. Don't give the Big Man so much shit to do.

I am so freaking pissed off with these people. When it comes down to actually DOING an act of kindness, they can't fucking do it. Suddenly, they're like, tetraplegic or something. FINGERS ARE NOT MADE TO TWINE AROUND YOUR OWN HANDS, AND YOUR PALMS ARE NOT STUCK TOGETHER. Got hands to fucking raise into the sky, no hands to bend down and donate some money to the beggar or to pet a stray animal or to help a lost child. You go up, have you ever gone down, because that's where the shit really is.

Anyhow, it must be the cold or something, I'm probably getting too carried away. Oh, haha, lets try this: I'll leave my illness in the hands of God.

2006-05-18T07:36:00.000-07:00

One spelling error makes me an idiot. Wow. I wonder what sort of idiosyncrasies will I next be exposed to. He doesn't even know his blog is on sgforums getting wham bammed thank you ma'am-ed.
A challenge I imposed, an insult I get. I studied my religion for ten years. You think I don't know jack shit about Christianity? *slaps knee and laughs* This will become a neverending debate. The wrongs of the world begin from the wrongs in the heart of a person. Sometimes, undeliberately. There. Finished.

Anyhow, enough of that. Waste of time.

Oh, I found the papers in the drawer my mother locks up real tight...I found the keys just 2 days ago, and I've been trying to find the time to sit down and read them. Its horrifying actually, to almost turn 22 and find out certain dark secrets which concern you. More so, to learn from the Doctor that it is most likely true. It often breaks my heart, so knowingly living everyday through and through and having one issue after another, most of them unecessary, either of obscene pictures emailed to me, some email taunting me like "u think u are so great arr?". Come on, its 3 years ago, let it go already. My arms are open to you, whether you choose to receive my embrace or spit on my face is entirely up to you. Ex or not, you are still a person to me, exactly the same with feelings and topsy turvy emotions. But please don't drag me into your own withdrawal symptoms. I have no wish to participate nor be harassed like this ever again. It is hard to fathom what you will do next, but whatever it is, please think carefully before you do such impulsive things which I'm sure are simply childish ways to get back at me because you assumed that I was partially responsible for your broken relationship. You are attached now, so why not place all that energy into your current boyfriend instead? My line is free. Feel free to call and let it out. Stupid as I am to say this, I will listen to what you have to say. Anything to stop this nonsense.

Bad day. Will get to bed in a bit. Thankful for Shu and Lin Hui for hanging out. We had alot of fun yea :) Great dinner.

2006-05-17T21:57:00.000-07:00

This video is hot..I saw it on MTV. Everytime I see Mariah Carey I think of Caroline. Yucks. I mean, no offence or anything but really...YUCKS. What opposing forces there are on earth could never even counter Mariah vs Caroline. Eek.

So lately I've been seeing twilight alot before I finally find the pleasure in sleeping. Thinking about issues that people would either label me as INSANE or just plain BORING...aka how we're all going to die on earth and how our most likely Armagaeddon will occur. To be frank, its fun to think about these things because at least when you sort of link everything together and figure out the most likely possibility of what's going to happen, you can start 1) living your life right so at least God doesn't have to give you another slap when you die 2) Begin to see things in new perspectives, however warped they may be.

I read this guy's blog, www.unrehearsed.blogspot.com, and I am completely unimpressed. All he's doing is sprouting nine and nonsense about little mediocre issues that seriously hold no special value to society. Don't talk about chastity because you're obviously living in some other planet. With all the teenage pregnancies going on in the world they should actually be thankful that there's such a thing as a condom. Albeit your "vast knowledge" about God and God's word, you really doesn't understand jack about life itself. Which idiot wastes his time quoting from the Bible in an almost entire blog? Why don't you go to Nepal or something and have a hands-on experience with the real soldiers of life? Or take care of an orphan kid who has cancer and stay with her until she dies? I did that. It hurt alot, but she was happy spending time with me and I gave her memories. I didn't have cash and I was one of the most vulgar people on the planet. So I'm evil la.

Nut case. So many suddenly popped out of their hiding holes. Eeek.

Anyhow, I might have chanced upon some sinister secret. Curiosity indeed kills the kitty. Meow.

+?+

2006-05-14T01:54:00.000-07:00

There must be a reason why we got together again. After so long, when sometimes you think after you've fallen in love with somebody else, that special person still holds a place in your heart. This time, he came back. That weird, eccentric, and knowledgable person that showed me new perspectives of life. I used to be able to do that for him, although right now maybe I can't. But I'm hoping regardless of the changes in me, I'm still able to hold that special place in his heart as that one special person he loved before.

Maybe its dumb, for two people to work towards a fairtytale of the past. God, give me answers. What exactly is going wrong this time? Is it just me? Or have we both been so apart for so long that our own individualistic characteristics no longer fit?

+YAWN+

2006-05-13T03:39:00.000-07:00

Today's dad's birthday. *sob* Still wondering whether things would be different if he was here. Sad to say, I will never know, but at least I have a rough idea it would be a tad easier. God knows how.
OOh, good news! I've taken up painting again! Woopee! Feels good to start chucking your emotions on a piece of paper, although if it was a gift it would seem more morbid than presentable...I have drawn countless mutilated naked females for my friends and they love it (just say it I'll pay you guys).

Was addicted to youtube a while back, watching that Pokemon spoof and now the biggest hit in my agenda is the Aladdin spoof. Hilarious. *laughter*

Sometimes everything just seems so morose in life. Yet, its only because a person fails to open his/her heart to the good things. Usually I reckon I'm cautious because once a trivial thing arises, I begin to delve deeper into the long term effects of it. Usually I'm right. Although more often than not I play the submissive party in order not to complicate situations. But it seems I can't handle it as well as I think I can.

Hai..its been quite horrible these past few months..I didn't expect certain people to act the way they do...I trusted them at first but its abit dumb to continue to trust people who just keep on hurting you, am I right? (And I hate to say it..he's been a bad bad poo.)

But at least this only lasts for a few hours..at most two days...because it is not nice to bear grudges right? What I don't understand is how I caused such bigotry. Why me? I didn't ask to be insulted. But anyway, its been a long tiring story. Maybe its my adamant dogmatism that probably pushes me back and forth between kindness and forgiveness vs no-i-must-be-fierce.

I received pictures in my hotmail just now out of the blue...but it dates 2003. Its a happy family. But..in my mind..at first the pictures hurt because he was smiling very widely and happy, unlike at present where suddenly I become the problem. But...after a while, and a few nicotine gums...(I want to get to that gum later its weird), I made some chamomile tea and ate some bread, which constitutes as dinner because lately I think my stomach has naturally been shrinking. Maybe too many people call me fat. *laughter* I calmed down, and sent him an sms saying he's a bad poo, and here I am, typing the blog. To speak candidly, my pillow is wet, wet, wet from the tears...drippy droppy. But in the face of this, WWDD? What would daddy do? Just look away and say, it is the past, and not allow a retardo to ruin it. (The retardo sent the pics anyway. I shall not name who, but its a girl. Haiyo...so childish and so bitchy...I know you read my blog..pls grow up...ok? Really I mean it...)

Maybe at the moment things are not looking bright...but usually they get better once people begin to realize their own mistakes and that they really sometimes had no right to do or say certain things to other people. Me included too. I'm happy I have the nicotine gum, although I very much would prefer the patch. The gum comes in 2mg and 4mg, and tastes like ASS. For real. And you don't chew it like any other conventional gum...you chew it a little (make sure you don't swallow too much because I did without reading the instructions and had a painful jaw which up till now still sort of hurts), and stick it between the gum and the cheek. And you must chew SSSLLLOOWWWLLYYY. hehehehehe. See? Next time better read instructions, no matter how enthusiastic you are about quitting. ;)

Hai, its been quite a stressful day, been running around doing errands, and since its dad's birthday I haven't been feeling too good either, although I do try to smile as much as possible indeed. I miss him very much, but until I make something good out of my life at the moment its better if I just ignore him and my sadness. I love my dad very much, and the people who have a chance still to say the word "dad" are the luckiest people on the planet.

Life is short, you never know when someone you love will die suddenly. I still have a few years left to make things happy and right (of course better be shorter than YEARS da), but sometimes taking the baby step is the hardest part. But I'll get there. I have faith. :)) Nitenite for now...tired...

+HILARIOUS+

2006-05-11T23:31:00.000-07:00

+Knowledge Begets Success+

2006-05-11T23:03:00.000-07:00

That was the motto of my primary school. Not going to tell you which one it is because in it there are tons of rich little kids and pissed off people. *laughter* They made one huge mistake though...they never defined the meaning of "knowledge". Which aspect? So if I know that salt on a snail makes it liquidise, should I be proud of myself?

I was, when I was telling people things that I found amazing. Like how the little lines of paint on a road could control traffic and cause accidents or offences to be made. Or how a female praying mantis consumes its male counterpart while mating. Or, in fact, how I learnt to shade and draw horses from books and imagination, although I did steal a few ideas. Nobody seemed to give a damn about it, apart from Dad, who listened and appreciated it and called it the beauty of a child's innocence.
I got shunned, mocked and labelled "retarded" for knowing things like these and appreciating them in their pure and unadulterated simplicity. For that, I began to hate the world (excluding dad). Since I turned 12. The world had become evil. But I decided, because I went to Sunday School then, God wanted me to give the world a chance and a shot.
Now, looking back, its really the craziest life I've ever led. The ups and downs are completely extreme. It was actually a normal life, but in a more eccentric manner. Or rather, maybe not eccentric...more like...volatile.
Being back in Singapore after a strange transition period in Melbourne, I being to realize that nobody is able to run my life, nor control my emotions. They are mine. The only things I could ever call mine. Everything else, is either owned by my parents or the damn erm...gahmen.
There will always be cause and effect. Its a universal omniscient factor. Bah.

~~POKEMON!!!!~~

+HongKong+

2006-05-08T10:40:00.000-07:00

So here I am. So what now? What do I do? Should I go? Or run away and hide in my blanket back home? Nonono...because for things to happen, sacrifices have to be made. Quanquan...is back home...I want him to smile and sleep and have fun and spend quality time with his friends. His birthday party was very touching, I just sat aside and tried not to cry. Wonderful people. :)

I must say HongKong will be extremely hot...and it took me half hour to get this wireless network up... :P so I am a genius. Bite me.

But I think I will be writing tons here, because I will be so busy there...and I am planning to just take time off to recuperate myself. Its been fun but draining these few months...with alot of good and horrible moments...I need to find shanshan again and know myself better. I will be taking up facials now, I think, because my face seems to get worse when I do it myself. Luckily mom has the facial session thingy so I can go and do something about my complexion and those darn pores!!

Yes, Quan and I have come a long way, fate has brought us together once more...but I realized that people change...and even if its the same person, he or she won't be the same ten years later. However, if we can compromise, everybody is happy. Nobody has to take more than someone else. So its balanced. But that, will take some time to accomplish, since maturity kicks in a little later for some of us.

For now, I will probably sleep all the way, because I'm so tired and so hungry...caviar comes first then something else..SIA is rocking it! Plus, in first class your chair can recline all the way back so you have a bed! :) At least the journey will be sensationally comfortable. *giggles* Thinking of Fifi and every little tiny toys back home...sure they will miss me, I bet they are upset because I didn't bring them all with me...but you know...a bag can only hold so many things, plus my two hands, and luggage. Sorry dearies some other time okay? (Hey hey Hammy sorry I was supposed to bring you to Sepang...So rush I didn't bring you...I promise next time, okay? ) :))

Im looking forward to a new job in Singapore, at Books Kinokunya...I'm very excited because I get to read as well as work! Plus, I can get discounted books and things for my family and friends! And I can finally pay for my dance classes, my singing classes, and horse-riding! Yippee!!!!! Polo Polo here I come again... *dances*

I miss Polo. That was fun, albeit the arrogant little gin nah pis that go there and act like they own all the horses...the french horses luckily are schooled already so the kids can ride them with little or no trouble at all...they think they're so pro, wait till they ride Tic-Tac-Toe. Hah. My horse will flip them upside down and stamp on their necks! I will post his picture up when I head to Kulai again...he's a lovely piebald horse, about 14 hands high and black and white mane! Lovely little horse...he nipped me once on the thigh because he was hungry! Imagine that! Little brat...but he's a little older now so I refuse to show-jump with him because if he breaks any bones he might get put to sleep. I don't want him to be euthanised because i witnessed a few before and I could hardly contain myself and sleep for months...

Well..for now, I place my utmost trust in God and hopefully he will bring me out of my little comfort zone and give me strength. Please God, bless me, my family, dear, dear's family, everyone in the world. Fuck world peace. Let people have peace within themselves first, then we talk about peace with others. :p Good night. (Good morning)

2006-05-04T10:33:00.000-07:00

You Are Emerald Green

Deep and mysterious, it often seems like no one truly gets you.
Inside, you are very emotional and moody - though you don't let it show.
People usually have a strong reaction to you... profound love or deep hate.
But you can even get those who hate you to come around. There's something naturally harmonious about you.

What Color Green Are You?

People Envy Your Compassion

You have a kind heart and an unusual empathy for all living creatures. You tend to absorb others' happiness and pain.
People envy your compassion, and more importantly, the connections it helps you build. And compassionate as you are, you feel for them.

What Do People Envy About You?

I got addicted to blogthings. Again.

+ANEU+

2006-05-03T06:37:00.000-07:00

Okay. I got a new blogskin, therefore a refresh of the blog. My previous posts were downright vulgar and instigated by some injustice. I've become an utterly bitter and vindictive individual mainly because my anger was unecessary, and it could not be channelled out and communicated.

I have given up on expecting other people to see my point of view. My darling is in camp, and won't be out for a month, lost his 11b. Nothing can be worse than that. Its his birthday this Sunday too, and I bought a great book for him by Tim Burton, called "The Melancholic Death of Oyster Boy & Other Short Stories". Grim as the book generally is, Tim Burton is a freaking legend. He has a way of twisting language and using just the right words and so little sentences to convey such impact. Wow. I love him... >_<

Anyhow, its been day after day of complete boredom, I managed to fix my next test date from July the 8th till 21st of June. The timing, unfortunately, somehow seems to get earlier as my test date becomes earlier too. Now mine's the very first slot. Which can be good because I doubt the circuit will be that crowded. Apart from that, I feel fresher in the morning. So I'd better pass. *laughter*

Ah I miss being carefree, knowing at the back of my mind my darling will never leave me...it gets harder to relax these days...but you know...time will tell. I mean, I may not know alot of things but I am sure not as vindictive and jealous and sensitive as I am now. I'm open-minded. I went to Melbourne and met a few of the most eccentric individuals. But how am I going to get back to my darling telling me everything like friends? Time, again. I hope he still believes in me. It will take awhile, though.

Anyhow, its okay if the engagement is off..I suppose at first we were so happy he was so certain I was the one, and now its not really a pretty picture he must've backed out and eaten his words..no biggie..I'll handle it. After all, people choose to be happy anyhow. I've left out that option for so long. Time to just sit back and relax and spectate. ;) Will write again.

Contracted LOVE

2006-04-27T04:26:00.000-07:00

IS THERE ANYTHING I DO FOR YOU

THAT SHE CANNOT INTERFERE?

~~Jealous~~ I Am IRRITATED.

You, her, your ex, those who consider me friends, claim
you love me, but end up playing me. I never thought

YOU would too. I THOUGHT I WAS MUCH MORE TO

YOU. NOW I AM JUST A TOY. A CHEW TOY FOR YOU,

FOR HER. JUST THROW ME HURT AND EXPECT

ME TO DEAL WITH IT WHILE YOU CONTINUE....

+Locked+

2006-04-26T09:27:00.000-07:00

So it was off. I waited so long believing in empty promises. This was just another one. Playing with me once more. Not him, my brain. For once I thought I was considered that important to someone, girlfriend material or however one chooses to put it. In the end, whatever I feared was correct. I tried not to think about it. I looked forward. Ah fuck it. Bochup.
Anyhow, I met a beautiful person today, Shu's friend, girls like us are freaking nuts man. We talk about the funniest things, and thankfully we share the same sense of humour. Unique, but the world will never be the same without close girlies you can call your pals and do lots of crazy things together. I only wish Mel was around with us to share the joy, but Mel's in a beautiful league of her own, someone I can turn to, we share the same dark sides. *chuckles* My partners.
At the end of the day, a person realises that what moulds himself or herself, is himself or herself. One cannot rely on another's words or actions because when time is given for these things to happen, usually, they back out, at least for my case. Anyhow, screw it. Its the way the world is, but that was a complete ass wipe thing to do to me.
Regardless, its only a dumb promise, not that I will believe anything else anymore. Only in myself now. Its going to be one hell of a journey, but I have Uncle Lam's commandments to think through and follow. I should be able to get it after a couple of months.]
Regarding the other so-called "trivial" issues of whatever beef I have with A or whoever the fuck it is, bochup. She can say whatever the hell she wants, because she is considered, to me, an external circumstance, and one person I must be careful with. I do not intend to hate nor to have any negative convictions of others whatsoever. In doing so, I will have them upon myself.
I will try to surround myself with beauty of nature, animals etc from time to time. Therapeutic as it may seem, animals may be the most healing source I require. Speaking of which, I am planning to psyche mom into getting a poodle again. Off the streets, so that at least even if I don't contribute beauty to humans, an animal will appreciate my love and affections and return it. Two-way traffic is always the way to go. I cannot be expected to understand everything of another, likewise an animal is not expected to understand all of me. But intuitively, from time to time, when the correct actions are done at the correct times, appreciation will be nurtured. Till then, Amen to the world, it may be harsh, but life is still beautiful.

+Aneu+

2006-04-24T09:06:00.000-07:00

I just got my nose pierced today. I felt different after that...but more like my own self. Yes, I have fat fingers, I have a tummy, and I have dark gothic eyes that eat you up the moment you look at me. I wear make-up almost all the time because I feel naked without it. Ugly, to be exact. Not naked. But, at the end of the day, when everything comes off...do I change according to the way I look? Yes. If I have oily hair, stinky from fags, unbrushed and unflossed teeth and tongue, ugly nails, smelly armpits and hairy legs, someone in my life is going to see that part of me, even if it was only for a few minutes. Those few minutes are what I fear the most because it is the prime of rejection or disgust.
I fear much at the moment. Of rejection by society and also by my peers and family, of feeling or getting hurt because of my own inadequecies, fear of feeling shortchanged in life because I wasn't born with a hand for science or anything considered "useful", I wasn't born with a face that was pleasant either unless I smiled or wear some form of make-up. My fears are rooted from comments, flippancy, supposedly candid and blatant remarks that were made with intentions of aiding me in self-improvement. It led to my ultimate downfall. Now I have absolutely no idea who I am, and what I am capable of. I used to be sure, until I made irreversible mistakes.
Every person has an inner strength, ironically, all equal in power. However, some unleash a little, some unleash quite almost everything, others are still looking for the key. To me, at this point, I might have found a key. So there is still hope, as of every situation.
I only wonder at this point, why people get away with saying or doing things to me, the very ambiguously intended remarks. I know one who is tactless, another who simply doesn't know when to shut up, and another who doesn't speak at all. I wouldn't be bothered to accuse the tactless one of something if it wasn't served to me in un-swallowable amounts. Dished, decorated cutely and nicely, but with the most vicious bite. But, as fate would have it, I have to endure it, because if not, I'd probably make her cry, and piss him off quite at the same time, and they would always be on the same team anyway. As she said, I'm probably doomed to be left out for a long long time despite my efforts to stay on the same wavelength. These are factors I cannot control, and I have completely given up trying to speak out. Its not only the issue of self-esteem at stake, it is also the issue of whether the other party chooses to be a little more careful and is mature enough to know where to draw the line. I was happy because she didn't dare to say things like that in front of him, and he and I were always together so nothing was said. Now, its different. But forget it. Who cares? Neither him, nor her. To him, I admit she is a wonderful friend. So wonderful she claims whatever I do, she can do it too, or better. Will anything I do for him such as his birthday, or even a simply painting, be untouched by her hands? His response towards the things she has, the things she has to show him, are more in tune than what I have. Solution? Listen to Wil. F care. If he doesn't bother about what I do, I don't do it. If he doesn't bother with what I say, don't say it. Heck it. *giggles* Its kinda fun to be playing the uncaring person as of now. It will be hard, but it will be completely funny that I actually accomplish it.
Thus ends a night. Decision sort of made about my question, painful piercing completed, and I'm off to another hopefully non-sleepless night.

+Denial+

2006-04-22T18:17:00.000-07:00

Every single truth that matters dawns in a couple of seconds. What I've been denying has caused me more damage that I expected. Its almost time. If things continue this way. I made a promise, but I made it to someone who made it worthwhile. Not this. I looked to happy nights, happy days, friendship, love, embrace. Not this. One weekend can be destroyed in a flash because of me. Or so he makes it out to be. God knows how disgusting I seem to him by the way he acts although he says (when he is happy) that I'm beautiful. Right now, I prefer to stay home and shut off. Which I will do eventually. Ruined. Ruined. Ruined. Bye Bye reconciliation, hello sadness, once more engulfed in dark clouds tha hang overhead.

"Separation is dire. A month will suffice."

+Mom+

2006-04-21T02:13:00.000-07:00

Here is me. The retard. With my beautiful mom. For a lady her age, she sure is gorgeous.
The messed up part is something I still can't figure out...why we aren't close. Just now she rang, asking me to watch the Magic Fundoshi with her this weekend. I just stuttered and went..well..erm..I'll check my schedule. I went to the shower later thinking about how disappointed she was, and how I would feel if my only daughter put me last on her list. After all, the worst feeling a mother can have, or any parent for that matter, is redundancy. In the end, I ended up agreeing, so its fixed tomorrow at 8pm.
It wasn't because I deliberately placed her last on my list..its a little hard too. I had my own reasons for being this way, and maybe she doesn't quite get it. Its the same for her too. I don't get it, and even if I do and I know I'm right, sometimes its much better to keep your mouth shut rather than confront a woman who has been through much more than you with your own theories about why she is the way she is, be it accurate or not.
Its just that we've been living separate lives for so long. Its hard to come back. Not because I don't want to, but its something I find difficult to accommodate at this point of time. Maybe its because I can't face her after everything that has happened. Maybe its because I miss my dad, and I hated her for a while for certain things she said or did to him. But you come to realize, all that's the past, and sometimes the past is so difficult to leave behind because you reckon its some unfinished business, which leads to unecessary grudges against the person who will stand by you even though she looks like she doesn't care.
Asians have queer upbringings. Strict, no less, and I was lucky to have a liberal household with my parents. I often talk about my upbringing to my friends, most of them say "Gee, my parents don't do stuff like that. I stopped kissing them on the cheek when I was 13." I didn't stop until my dad died. Beautiful things in this family don't happen much anymore, and besides, nothing that comes by you, is really FOR you. We're a broken family, by circumstance, and not by choice. It happened before my 18th birthday, and boy was I completely messed up. At first, I was somehow elated that my dad could finally be at peace, and evilly, one less person for me to explain where I was etc. Its horrible, but I can't lie about it. But if there was anyone I'd have to run to, it would be him. Now that he's gone, both me and my mother are left stranded in some condemned planet with harsh realities to face. Where to we go from here? How much do I tell her about my life? What if she dates? Will I like this guy?
In truth, she is dating, some doctor, who drives a BMW and a Porsche. That was about all I heard about him, apart from him being a liver-stomache specialist at Mt. Elizabeth hospital. Its next to Paragon, so I reckon he's doing really well. I was so full of hatred for this guy, because ironically, despite the separate-lives situation I mentioned earlier, I felt I was losing my mother. To her church group, to her stupid best friend who I absolutely detest because she's rich AND plastic, that guy, and just basically the rest of the world. Why I find it so hard to come back was because I only learnt how to let go. I only got a bad image of her, and the good input somehow isn't registering yet. We're both strong-headed people, so living together is okay, until we disagree. That's when World War 100 begins. I rekcon we're that far. But in the end, that's what makes us somewhat..normal. Unique, but normal.
Anyhow, its been a rough couple of years, 4 now, and I still miss Dad like crazy. People say to me not to use his death as an excuse to screw up even more. Its not. Its ridiculous. Its my own problem, and nobody's meant to judge it in the first place. And Alan, if you think you know my family really well, think again, this I am NOT afraid to write. You said my name stinks, but why would it in the first place if you hadn't been BITCHING about me? Don't give me the shit about you trying to protect me because you literally ruined me. You try to act like you're somebody, when you're just a nobody. In the end, I promise you, if you continue this way, you'll die a rich but lonely fuck with aids because you end up satisfying your own sick pleasures with one night stands. Feel free to leave a msg in the shoutmix box if you find what I say is untrue. I've heard numerous things from you, and man, wouldn't you like to know what I've heard. You said you cracked a beer with my dad, here's the thing. SO? So what if you did? My dad was just being nice. What, you expect him to come up to you and fart and go "this is my house I do what I like?" Like Viktor's dad? Come on. Give me a break. Get your thick head together and start living.
Ugh. Anyhow, I guess I'll get back to watching t.v. Still really disappointed about my driving test, but hey its okay, it doesn't matter if she and him passed the first time. That's not really the point, is it? All I'm going to worry about is how I'm going to shut her up once she starts talking shit to me again. When he's not around. I wish I could record it down. I could use it for bulemic purposes.

+FAIL!!!!!+

2006-04-20T08:50:00.000-07:00

Yep. I flunked. Hurrah. My eyes are so swollen now I can hardly see what I'm typing. All because of that disgusting U-turn. At the end of the day, what sucks the most is that it was ultimately, my fault. Having a double-L plate doesn't make me the king of the road anyhow. On the way back with Shu, the taxi driver told me that passing the first time isn't the point. What matters is that you got to be good after you pass. He told me people who passed the first time can hao lian, drive their parent's car, and boom. Die the next day from accidents. I don't know whether he was trying to console me, but apparently according to Don, its true. I looked in the mirror just now, and wondered whether the tester was being an asswipe, or was I really too tensed. Turns out, it was a bit of both.
So all this while, I was focusing on the ticks on the piece of paper, raging inside, I realised its not actually about passing the first time round, nor was it about doing what the tester asks you to do like some kind of robot. If traffic situations deter you from executing a turn, you got to pass it. Its about reaction, about how steady you are etc. I am sucha dumbass I didn't even realise it because my mind was so full of the comments about people like someone bragging that she passed the first time blah blah blah. And there's more too. But let's just NOT talk about it.
I am completely devastated, although it isn't the end of the world, what sucks so much ass is that I have to take 3 more compulsory revision classes before I can book my next test date, which will most likely occur sometime in June. Then I wondered why the hell was I rushing it anyway.
Anyhow when I was in Holland tonight, I bought a $4.90 nail polish...a little gift to myself to make me smile..its only the clear ones but it supposedly smells of raspberry. It does! Now I can't stop smelling my nails. Ah well...at least it was within budget...well..it DID eat up the rest of what I have left...which was about...5 bucks? But what the heck...
I absolutely don't know what I'm going to say now. If I meet them this weekend, I wonder what she'll say to me next. If I continue suppressing this, it will ruin me. I have to do something about it. Quietly, but...surely. I will plot. For now.

+Tick Tock+

2006-04-19T13:11:00.000-07:00

tI STILL can't get to sleep..not to mention my "quote unquote" key popped out...thankfully I still can use it as you can see. Calming down quite a bit now...just wanting to get the damn driving test over and done with.
I was thinking about HongKong...ALOT...just now. And wondering what the hell I'm missing over there. Half of family is slotted among the people there somewhere, and I wonder how fantastic it would be to just migrate there and dump this shit hole, either that or Brisbane. But I realised I was leaving tons behind.
When I was little we had a little place in Hong Kong..well it isn't exactly little but it was alright. I reckon I was too young then to understand the way life works, and it sort of slaps you in the face as you get older that without cash, without a status in society, you're a nobody. But I was fine being a nobody, and I still am fine with it. (I'm trying NOT to use that button so much..)
Idealism is weird. So is reality. To be both at the same time and to maintain that delicate balance so you don't (damn) go off track in life is just pissy. Each time you hope for something that doesn't work, you curse life and all its arid principles and standards, but at the end of the day, only by conforming, you'll wallow out of the shithole faster than you sink in. IF you put in the effort.
NUS offered me some sort of medicine degree. I told them to go fuck themselves. Basically. Its a prestigious school, but the better the courses I take, the more I won't hear the endless discouragement from my mom. She doesn't really know about it either. How dumb, to share something so great with a damn computer.
I must be going insane. I seem to feel dead people all around me. I sleep with the lights on if I could, but all the more I'd probably be awake till morning. Then I'm fucked for the driving test. But I just can't sleep.
Whatever man. Do I brag like that in front of my friend's girlfriend because I grew up with her boy? Fuck no. I don't even do shit to Wil, or Alex, or Faisal, or anyone I grew up with. Fuck it. At least I know what's the meaning of respect. Its all tact, give and take. I have no idea how to put a stop to this shit but I will in a minute if another thing is said to piss me off. Enough with the bragging, the bad dreams, the silent wars, all enough. Enough. I am 22 years old, the daughter of the greatest man ever lived, who still lives in my own bitter heart with just ample sweetness to sustain his inhabitance.

+TP TP TP TP TP+

2006-04-19T10:13:00.000-07:00

Si bei sian. Tomorrow I have TP. Then those taxi drivers can come and scold me and tell me not to be scared, act like one kind of macho banana like that. I felt like saying " Oi, its because of drivers like YOU that sabo my test can." Ho ler si la.
Tomorrow I've decided for my reverse parking, I will just anyhow whack one estimation. This whole turning point pole disappear shit is driving me crazy. Absolutely bonkers. And frankly, I am NOT prepared to fail tomorrow. I'll volunteer for balloting, whack the circuit one time, whack the road, come back, and finito. Not that hard. Besides I have warm-up, LUCKILY, so I can get used to the car. Sui la.
I am in sucha singlish mood so I'm gonna blow this entry. FIRST, I think I can pass. Secondly, if the tester so much as chow bin with me, I will smile until mirror break. If he scold me, after test I go temple next door put curse on him. For now, I am only praying his wife will call halfway through test and say he won toto. 3 million dollars or something. Then he sure let me pass. I am not the kind who act cute kawaii 1,2, 5 so tester can forget it. AND if he thinks I don't check blind spot, IF he scold me I will surely keep quiet, after I pass, then i answer back. If I fail, mai tu liao, I will so retaliate until the felle cry. Say he 40 years never see his didi, tell him his wife is a lesbo or she got ku ku chiao...because I will be devastated beyond devastated. I already put the p-plate inside the car so better don't play play, better go pray pray. Courtesy of my beloved cousin who has all this lame lines for me. Si bei one kind of lame until can freeze the sun.COLD.

Anyhow, I am feeling like sucha ah lian today...must be the nerves...if I had weed I could have a joint so tomorrow I'd be sucha stoner...hehe..if not, I'll just keep smoking. OR not. Chee bong I am sucha si bei ah lian. Argh. I need to sleep. Night.

+Crystal Ball+

2006-04-15T10:03:00.000-07:00

The Zouk Crystal Ball was really a nightmare cum dream. It was terribly crowded, and I was stuck in the same spot swaying left and right from all the pushing, for about 20 minutes. However, the interior is completely breath-taking. Words can't suffice the going ons in there, but well, to sum it all up into one single lame word, it was "cool".
These days I've been feeling rather unhealthily ugly. My complexion seems to have improved despite the endless ravaging of cigarettes, coke, green tea and coffee. Its doing shit to my body, and I've just taken a good look at my legs and hopefully the next time I wear a gown with a slit I don't see those legs again. AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL. I was considering becoming bulemic again, that was actually fun and gross, but I was 42kg then after just 3 months of induced spew. Although I don't think many people would support me, especially dear. I think he'd do something ten times worse than that. So I'll have to eat unless I want something shitty to happen to him. Crap, its not fair. When can I ever win. Heh.
So I came home early, too early, but it was just so crowded in there it felt like the Paul Oakenfold party back in Melbourne. I passed out, and everybody thought I was drunk as hell. It was stuffy, smoky, alcoholic, detestfully pungent with all the ravers and stuff. If I wasn't so shaky that day you'd have to rip me from the club and drag me out. At The Castle I raved for 5 hours and didn't want to go. (No ecstasy included). But, as drugs would have it, marijuana in fact DOES make you really stupid, and I withered right before my eyes and started being some retarded spastic martian who can't tell left from right. But I'm reading alot now, and I mean ALOT, so that's sort of helped me back on my feet in terms of grammar and information and all the sick shit I indulge in.
Today I met Elizabeth, another one of my imaginary friends. She said she had died four years ago, (*knock knock* still stuck here, asshole!!) and she can't go anywhere else but wander earth because she couldn't find that one answer she was looking for. I don't even know the damn question, and she can't receive any help from anyone because the best thing about finding shit out yourself is YOU GET IT. But it was really fun talking to her, even at Marina when dear was taking a nap in the car, it was a great conversation. She and I talked, and people thought I was insane because they can't see her. Well too bad asswipes, I can, and I love her. She's no human but she's an angel. Then sometimes I would drive out to the cemetary to say hi to my little boys, and to the rest of the gang there. Sometimes they don't talk back to you, probably because they want to do their own thing or continue thinking of more evil ways to get back at that guy who smashed a bottle on their heads, etc. Ghosts have more to worry about than we do. They don't mean to look that bad some of them. Its like how life moulds you, death moulds you too.
Ah well, I'll go back to playing my silly musical lantern game again. Terribly addictive and awfully fun. Death to auto-flush and I'm beginning to rather fancy songs from Namie Amuro.

+HELL-i-lujah+

2006-04-13T07:18:00.000-07:00

NO, YOU DON"T OWN ME, DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. I AM STRONG, ON MY OWN, AND THERE"S NOTHING YOU CAN DO. IF YOU THINK THAT I JUST SIT AROUND AND WAIT FOR THE SUN TO SET TILL YOU RETURN, STAY OUTTA HERE.

+ Hmm +

2006-04-11T11:31:00.000-07:00

*** (Read this girl, I know you frequent my blog. You won. I absolutely can't hold a candle to you. I just want peace between us. I don't enjoy fighting with you or even tolerating your childish stuff so I'm calling it quits. Yes, you're right, you had him, you guys have memories, I can't argue with that. I won't anyway. I have memories of my own as well, so its all even. All this while I acted like you had everything to hold and I don't, but I have my own people and things I hold dearly too. So...lets just stop this.)***
Its now near to 3am, and I'm still wide awake. Just composed another emo song about letting people go and all that stuff...with little or no inspiration whatsoever and just making words rhyme for the sake of it...and thankfully it turned out pretty nice. But its a little in my comfort zone because I tend to stick to my minor key melody and it just goes down and up again to major then to minor...there's no twist. Screw the technicalities of music, I can still play the piano without the scores or passing my theory. All this staccato legato arigato stuff can just "kiss my chinese fanny". At the end of the day, it all comes down to emotions...inspiration...life...death...experiences. Nothing that goes by you in this world is for you, its like a buffet, you can't eat the whole plate. Just take a little and enjoy whatever you can from that bit, if you took something bitter, find a way to swallow it. That way, if you encounter anything bitter, you'll know what to do. *wink*

Here is something absolutely beautiful...:

*In beauty, may I walk.
On the trail marked with pollen, may I walk.
With grasshoppers about my feet, may I walk.
With dew about my feet, may I walk.
With beauty, may I walk.
With beauty before me
with beauty behind me
with beauty above me
may I walk.*

This poem was from a Navajo poet, I was reading it and I thought it's such a beautiful poem not just for girls, but for everyone. Its such a crazy world, our visions and perspectives are almost all thwarted by materialism and competition. But hey, there is still life on this planet. Love is the only one true thing worth clinging on to, even though it seems so ambiguous and at times, it hurts like hell. LOVE.

+~+

2006-04-11T06:34:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I got a test date this month...*chuckles* its next Thursday...Rui told me to go to the temple next door to pray so I'd better not forget it :p Fagging at the moment, watching a male bullfrog bellow and stir up the whole swamp...kinda like Shrek (man you should see the way they fight...they just hop to and fro.. :/)
Ah well looks like all the revision didn't go to waste...I'm not pinning too much hopes on the test though because there's a possibility I might just flunk...its inevitable..my leg starts shaking and I wouldn't be able to feel the biting point...but oh well...cest la vie...there's a reason for everything...GOD YOU BETTER BE AROUND SOMEWHERE.
I've been thinking much of dear faery Lulu...I wonder how she's doing now...distance certainly is a bitch. Separating continents and countries, creating more individualism and to hell with globilisation...really. When politicians pull out so-called uniting and smart ideas out of their fannies it usually means $$$$$$$$ along the way. Blatantly speaking, anything to do with $$$ can never work out for good. Because there're always loopholes for weak-minded asswipes who can't resist the outward temptation.
I haven't taken a shower all day!! Whoof!! BUT I brushed my teeth and washed my face...although that doesn't seem to have any long-term effects. Will write again soon. Till then, to all the ladies...walk in beauty and grace and well..this was a quote I got from some chick flick movie I watched out of absolute ennui: "When your man cheats you, don't get mad. GET EVERYTHING." *chuckle chuckle* Adios my partners in crime.

+ManahaHAHAHAHAha+

2006-04-09T09:01:00.000-07:00

The Ha Ha Crabs::

I was pondering upon my younger days...thinking about the times I thought I was the mortal equivalent of God and I could control the weather simply by assuming that when I'm sad, it would rain, and when I was happy, the sun would shine like hell. Apparently that happened quite a bit during my childhood so I went around "zapping" trees expecting pink apples and unicorns to pop out of nowhere so I could pluck them and take them home and zap them to life. Ditto. Didn't happen. Hehe...
Thanks to the ever-efficient BBDC, I have to wait 3 months for my TP test. NOT GOOD. Especially when my feet are getting itchier and itchier and aching to say "give me the damn keys I'll drive you home". I hope some nervous idiot cancels his/her test date and *crosses fingers* it'll be sometime in two weeks. Just in time for me to revise four more times and get it over with. (I'll pass the short skirt concept. Nobody's going to dig my legs.)
While dear slept in the car for abit after Marina, I spoke with this lovely young thing called Li (or Lee). Apparently she's been rather...well..lost. I wonder why she didn't appear to anyone else, especially dear, to make my claim at least more credible. After all she can if she wants to, and I don't have this third eye shit. At least I think I don't. Its been so long and I've always been freaked out until I got used to it. I just never really listened to them. All girls, too. Sad cases and I wish I could help but sometimes they do look a little freaky on the outside so its not because I don't want to help them, it just sort of takes a little getting used to. Even when I was 5...it was horrible. But then people just thought I was psychotic so I suppose words can never suffice nor support whatever I'm saying. Argh.
Time to watch George Of the Jungle, just sneezed stuff on mom's laptop so I hope I've cleared all traces of evidence. Will write again soon. God, if you're there, say hi to Dad for me and give me strength to be a good person, nice, and sincere. If I'm improving, I hope I can go a little faster. ;) *mwah* I love you daddy.

2006-04-05T10:48:00.000-07:00

FORGET THE PAST SO A FUTURE IS

POSSIBLE

+Dumb Shit for Dumb Shits+

2006-04-04T13:08:00.000-07:00

Writing shallow mallow stuff once more...in my room now. I think its time for me to go for confession at church. God'll probably still throw me into Hell but at least I'll release all this stuff on my mind. Sometimes I think my brain and I are completely different entities. We're connected but not connecting. Either I've let it get the better of me, or I'm retarded. The latter is pretty possible, but we'll see.
What I need now, is an ice cold green tea, lying in bed and listening to some really soothing music. It would help if my laptop wouldn't suddenly switch off by itself. Repeatedly. However, asking mom to get me a new one is out of the question. However if this drives me insane enough I'll make sure I get it before I completely lose my mind.
Before I sleep...I will wonder once more....the old boring issues of life, love, vanity and wealth. Nite.

+Unleash the Martian+

2006-04-03T10:47:00.000-07:00

I have finally deleted certain idiots off my friendster list. Because I just don't like them and there's no point forcing myself to. Its been years since I've had the guts to do that. No wonder all I do is think sad thoughts and complain 24-7. I've given people too much face, suppressing all this shit inside and then they undoubtly manifest as complaints and sad thoughts when I could just get it over with by saying it to their faces.
Another challenge has yet come...one which I refuse to absolutely divulge to anyone as of yet. A sordid repeat of the past (no, it has nothing to do with relationships and all that shit), but more to do with being a girl. But I will get through it, I've done it once. But now it will be simply ten times the pain.
I'm sitting here typing shallow nonsense. For the first time today, I am beginning to understand and comprehend the meaning of TRUST. Its been so long I lost myself in devilish temptations and wasted my time wondering how to reverse my past mistakes. Its pointless, really. If something of the past haunts you, screw it and get along with life. Even if some dickhole with too much time on their hands tries to ruin you one way or another, stick out your middle finger and walk on by. Mosquitos always die earlier than you, even if you don't squish them, something will come along and eat them.
God, if you're up there, take care of my dad. Make him happy while I rearrange my life and then hopefully it'll be something to give back to him. Otherwise I deserve to rot in hell and die. For murdering, for lying, for whatever human sin I've committed. These are not immutable, just deep cuts. For everybody even. I never stopped believing in sunshine, beauty, poetry, literature and art. And I hope I never will. These are the only true things in life that I cling on to that give me hope. Love, music, dance, whatever forms of expression that come pleasantly and subtly but strike with such impact and force it leaves some kind of impression, that's the stuff that can touch you.

"Words are mere utterances; noise. They don't necessarily reflect your true feelings. Master silence and you have mastered your self-control."

++

2006-04-01T23:05:00.000-08:00

Is life so trivial to the point where we have to deliberately express our own frustrations indirectly? Even towards our children, our families, our friends, whatever; And we have the balls to say: Life is too short. To what end do we oust and ostracize others in order to get what we want? Where is the limit?
Certain circumstances and consequences that occur due to our own actions are mostly immutable. Most are simply remembered as part of history, but the key word is "remembered". Are we ready to deal with too much negative impressions of our own selves upon others?
Frustration, anger, stress, every negative emotion kicks in. If we are in the habit of storing up emotions, it only takes one small minute issue to release the surmounting pressure which we have somehow kept within ourselves insead of venting it on the correct people and things that at first gave us that pressure. Ironically, I admit doing exactly that. However, certain people, even my loved ones, contribute partly to that pressure because they expect me to control my emotions in the first place, or I would have no issues.
Fuck. Time will well. Fuck.

+The Fragile Circle+

2006-04-01T04:33:00.000-08:00

Underneath us all is some fragile soul, with the exact same properties as everyone else. The only difference between us all is how we choose to hide it. There are some who deny this fragility, and hold their testicles higher than their brains. There are also some who choose to accept its fragility, but accepting and taking advantage of are dissimilar factors, and most who accept it tend to use it as an excuse to otherwise accomplish tasks within their capabilities. Which sadly, deduces alot of their self-esteem and therefore their truest worth and talent. They become, in short, pushovers. Willing to kiss the feet of those they fear, and ironically the people they fear are the ones who have no talent, but decide it better to maim and slander and do terrible things to the ones who do, but are too afraid to show it. Fear does dig deeper holes than we could ever imagine.
The vulnerability of life and life itself, in essence, is the ability to breathe and have each and every organ working in indefinite harmony. Once a tiny speck of dust gets into our system, we are then at risk of nature's most absurd, most unspeakable and most unconquerable diseases: things like H.I.V, Cancer, Hepatitis A, Heart Attacks, even Depression, once taboo have become the norm. The word "norm" is scary, because that would mean our fear of these things have diminished. In a sense if something is considered normal, whatever happens to someone else, if it happens to us, at least someone's around to die with us. Bullshit. Absolute bullshit. Bullshit also means treasuring money like life and death and overlooking what you leave behind in your greedy quest. I wanna have tourette's syndrome so at the end of the day I'll end up humiliating you and it won't be my fault! Asshole!
I miss poo... :(

2006-03-29T00:30:00.000-08:00

I am the epitome of hopeless romantics...one of many who swear by love, live by love and die for love. I've run away from it for so long...the greatest curse unto mankind is the ability to feel. We do not, ironically, always follow our hearts because it is almost always likely to lead us into desolation, depression, destitution...yet I do. Curses unto my undying passion for passion, my adamant love for love, and my deepest desires so unimaginably erratic it manifests itself in my own self mutilation. Each cut takes away a little bit of the pain, a little bit of the sorrow, a little bit of the otherwise pressurising thump of my asphyxiated heart that once knew its rhythm...
To feign a feeling, so perennial and so subtle like the skies, seems almost a vicious crime in my eyes, but they care not for my own discretions and irrationalism which I never fail to impute as a daily ritual to so-called analyse matters that in the first place required no analysing at all.
A woe, ten foes, a love, a million threats...my life dangling upon a single thread which may snap at any given moment. Help.

2006-03-26T18:29:00.000-08:00

You scored as Theater. You should be a Theater major! Like a bohemian actress, you are seasoned and confident and not afraid to express yourself!

Theater

100%

Linguistics

100%

Journalism

92%

Biology

83%

English

83%

Dance

83%

Art

75%

Philosophy

67%

Sociology

67%

Mathematics

58%

Psychology

50%

Anthropology

42%

Engineering

33%

Chemistry

What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3)
created with QuizFarm.com

+I Used To+

2006-03-26T10:48:00.000-08:00

I once used to be made of glass,
So fragile in your hands;
You'd never let me break at all,
You were so protective all back then;
Now its easy to hurt me,
And get angry with me first;
You think I yearn for your love,
The way I yearn for water when I thirst;
I can hear your yell and whimper,
I can see your truth and lies;
I have watched you grow up from a distance,
Such a funny thing how fast time flies;
Who am I now to you at this point,
When she broke me you brushed it away;
You treated her like she was princess,
And me a fucking slave;
I try to meet your needs and wants,
Go the places you want to go;
Maybe I'm not that smart anymore,
Perhaps its my fault you didn't know;
I mended your broken heart so called,
So why not you just walk away;
Don't sit around doing nothing expecting me to change,
And make things go your way.
So what if she has beauty,
And studies all the way,
She has such an ugly ugly heart,
If not she wouldn't go astray.
Tell me the truth, did you believe,
what I told you about what was said to me?
If you don't just stop pretending you do,
And preserve my last bit of dignity;
She broke you to a point where even,
I have never gone,
And thankfully you didn't with me,
Because it wouldn't be for long.
You think its so damn easy,
To just make issues dissipate;
In the future if it happens to you,
You can't deal with it, because its too late.
In frustration I am writing,
With sadness I may leave;
A promise I could have kept before,
Is now so hard to believe.
Perhaps you live with the thought,
That I'd always be around;
Maybe I will but you will never know,
If its with a smile or with a frown.
Never mind my statements,
They're always ridiculous in your eyes;
I made an effort to hang out more with your friends,
So I'd believe what I said were lies.
But at the end its still the same,
Same old thing I get from you;
We no longer talk and its a fact,
Feelings fade through and through.
I wish nothing more than to say this once,
And never say it again;
To have enough strength to smile at you,
Amidst the royal pain.

+Astro Girl Back To Normal+

2006-03-24T10:49:00.000-08:00

Tonight was awesome...today, actually. Accompanied little Alicia to collect her car..the kit's done...too cool ;) Then we headed off to the arcade after grabbing Sigit and played drums...man that stuff isn't as easy as it seems...all I can say is it'll take me alot of time to get to the level they're at.
Last night was so weird, I had the strangest dream, I was making Indians. No shit. It was so unique because when I woke up my bolster was somewhere on the floor near my door, I had one foot below my bed, my pillow was somewhere outside, and my arm was dangling out the window. So here's the dream which I finally remember: You know white people and chinese people are relatively fair-skinned, so when we're in the sun, I dreamt that the sun rays went through our faces because we were so fair we were almost transparent(still can't figure out how that links), and the rays would sort of join together like they would in a magnifying glass, and zap people on the forehead, thus the red dot, and they became Indians. Worse is I only recollected tonight.
Anyhow, suddenly no longer hyper and active, once again stoned and passive, very possible this exhaustion would thwart my plans of exercising tomorrow...much less going to the gym which is about 10m away from my house. My laziness is appalling, isn't it.... :p
Was talking to Keat, apparently Russell Peters is a real asshole in reality. He's a wife-beater. I haven't found solid proof of that as of yet...the internet contains too much spam and junk information......................

+The Night That Rocked My World+

2006-03-23T07:04:00.000-08:00

Me and Jie trudged to MTV Fashionably Loud tonight. PLACEBO WAS ORGASMIC. You know the feeing when that special something hits you in the face when you least expect it to be good, digs into your insides and pulls your heart out of your mouth. Man. In honour of rock.

For the past few years with my appearance and my personality and what I liked, I was so afraid of what people thought of me. It was like as though I had a face designed to be slapped. Well, so does Howardstern. People really hated me the moment they saw me, and I figured it out tonight it was because I let them. I put them on a pedestal by being passive and distinguished because I would quiver with an intimidated look. Tonight baby, was different. I was completely balled over by the music and the whole be-yourself thing just kicked in. Screw Dick Lee. Although he was pretty accurate about what he said about me being a mouse, but it was put in such a disgusting way I could've thrown up. If it was someone really successful and selling big hits like Gwen Stefani or someone from say...The Strokes or even Corrinne May, I might have taken that hit lying down. Oh well anyway its over, and I'm only going to be this vindictive for probably a week then I'll get over it.

Its another one of those ironic days when God throws a great opportunity in your face then takes it away last minute. Was picked to go on the catwalk for the heck of it but they had some sort of miscommunication, and one person needed to leave. I just walked away. I didn't fight for a place. How so idiotic. I would've won a phone or a goody bag or something. But hell with that, I could've kissed the feet of Stephan Olsdal. But all in all, luckily Jie brought the camera...I took a few crappy pictures and a few good ones of Placebo and of us. Well, she took some pictures of us. A night to remember, my very first rock concert in a long time...ten thumbs up and going to bed with a smile on my face. Wow. For the first time, God placed me in a situation I would not hesitate to smile about. Placebo, you earned another fan, you kicked ass, and I am completely in love with you.

+alright alright alright alright+

2006-03-23T00:17:00.000-08:00

New blog. Hah. Today I saw this fucking gay poster at Clementi station, if you're ever there take a look at it. Tammy would feel the kick. It says "Lose your handphone, lose your privacy" *dingdingding* wtf. The images were subtle, but I cannot believe how the police tap on this poor girl's situation to make a point. You can, but the hype hasn't died down yet, so give her a break. Seriously, the only thing Singaporeans would be thinking about everytime they see it is, ooooh Tammy la that one!!! Fucking retards.

Tonight's Placebo night! Got....

invites for the MTV Fashionably loud crappo zappo but I'm going for Placebo. Somehow I seem to feel and see some striking similiarities between Placebo and My Chemical Romance, both my favourite bands. Either their lead singers are both kohl freaks and sing the same way or its my taste waning towards punk and alternative electronica whatever. Then there's the same old boring catwalk fashion show which during that time I'll be ravaging myself with food. Or I could walk over to Old Chang Kee and get some good unhealty shit. Singapore kicks ass.

Anyhow, my feet are starting to smell like old cheese. Either I haven't been washing my footwear as often as I should, or I'm beginning to release some sort of deadly toxin through my pores that is supposedly deadly and manifests its presence by stinking up the whole room. Gotta run!